Sinners

So all the time in church we are reminded that we are born sinners attributed to the Fall of Man in Genesis. So does that mean we are designed to fail? That we will constantly throughout our lives have these innate desires to be immoral in our relationships with our friends and our significant others? have uncontrollable anger to where lash out at those we love or even complete strangers? feel like we are so completely alone and incomplete that the thoughts that consume our minds are how to leave this world as soon as possible?

I know this isn't the most pleasant thing to talk about, but i feel like in my life these things are ever present. Exhibit A: I'm watching Private Practice on the internet today, in that 2hr special a man cheated on his wife, a woman was cooking meth in her home that eventually blew up her house w/ her and her daughter in it, a mother came clean of a lie she had been living for 20+ years, a daughter lied to her parents as she dressed in less than clothes, skipped school to hang out with a boy alone in a house, and had a party at the house w/o her father knowing, friends fighting and punching each other, a husband telling his wife he wished she would die a painful death...and i'm sure there was more but GEEZ.

So then i start thinking about my personal life...lies and decieit, depression, i've gotten better with anger (i used to be really bad), immoral thoughts...and i call myself a Christian. Like i know the battle isn't over when you say "God I want to give my life to you..." but okay, this year i feel like i'm almost living a double life. My life when i'm totally poured into God w/ my bible study, church, readings in the mornings and afternoons, hanging out with some of my friends who are constant encouragement in my walk. But then there is this other side...this person who doesn't know who she is anymore, doesn't feel like she knows how to love except in those moments when she is poured into scripture or surrounded by other believers, the girl who succumbs to her depression and just wants to stay at home in her bed all day.

And i was talking to a friend today that i upset and she had every right to be upset (and like always i learned/realized something about myself). My drug is affection, to feel loved, to not feel a lone which totally ties back to my realization in one of my previous blogs (its not that people don't love me but that I don't love me.) BUT isn't that how so many of us feel? isn't that why as a teenager girls latch on to that first boy that gives them the time of day? why we hang on to friendships that are unhealthy for us? And i sit her and think how can i know/understand all these things and not change? how can i be so focused in a moment but so lost in the next? How can WE know these things and nothing changes?

Do we all feel like this at some point? I find it hard to believe that i'm the only one w/ all that goes on in the world. But how do we defeat it?

See the thing is I'm grateful for my double life in the sense that it means i've made progress...i wasn't going to bible study consistently a year ago, I wasn't diving my nose into the bible a year ago, or hanging out with the people i do now, I have two Christian friends that I've hung out with more this year than in the 4-5 years i've known them. So I am grateful for my progress no doubt about that, but how do i get rid of the other me? how can i get to where i am focused all the time? Maybe today is a just a bad day and i feel discouraged but I know i can't lead this double life forever. I know that there will come a day when i will remain focused....at all times.

So to go back to my questions in the first paragraph, "Does that mean we are designed to fail?". The answer is no, we are designed to fall, we stumble, and somtimes get completely knocked down wondering if we'll ever be able to peel our faces off the ground and then something happens, HE grabs us by the hand, gets our attention and slowly begins to pull us back onto our feet.

To gain spiritual growth, firstly, we need to know how sinful we are, how weak we are against sins, and the only remedy:

Romans 7:15-25 talks about this more specifically:

^14-16I can anticipate the response that is coming: "I know that all God's commands are spiritual, but I'm not. Isn't this also your experience?" Yes. I'm full of myself—after all, I've spent a long time in sin's prison. What I don't understand about myself is that I decide one way, but then I act another, doing things I absolutely despise. So if I can't be trusted to figure out what is best for myself and then do it, it becomes obvious that God's command is necessary.

^17-20But I need something more! For if I know the law but still can't keep it, and if the power of sin within me keeps sabotaging my best intentions, I obviously need help! I realize that I don't have what it takes. I can will it, but I can't do it. I decide to do good, but I don't really do it; I decide not to do bad, but then I do it anyway. My decisions, such as they are, don't result in actions. Something has gone wrong deep within me and gets the better of me every time.

^21-23It happens so regularly that it's predictable. The moment I decide to do good, sin is there to trip me up. I truly delight in God's commands, but it's pretty obvious that not all of me joins in that delight. Parts of me covertly rebel, and just when I least expect it, they take charge.

²⁴I've tried everything and nothing helps. I'm at the end of my rope. Is there no one who can do anything for me? Isn't that the real question?

²⁵The answer, thank God, is that Jesus Christ can and does. He acted to set things right in this life of contradictions where I want to serve God with all my heart and mind, but am pulled by the influence of sin to do something totally different.

(The Message)