In one door and out the other...

Just got an awesome email from my mom, one of her devotional things. The devotional starts with Ezekiel 46:9:

"When the people of the land come before the Lord at the appointed feasts, whoever enters by the north gate to worship is to go out the south gate; and whoever enters by the south gate is to go out the north gate. No one is to return through the gate by which he entered, but each is to go out the opposite gate."

This Represents our exchange for the new "us" from the old. The example that the woman who wrote this gave, was a morning that she woke up and it was just one of "those" days. We've all been there at some point in our lives, when that alarm clock goes off and we just wanna stay in bed and hide away from our daily responsibilities. One of those days where emotionally you feel like the whole world is just hanging out on your shoulders and saying "hey carry me around today would ya?" I've been there more times than i would like to admit and didn't know how to get out of it.

The woman goes on to describe how her negative thinking came into play:

"As I started my run, old thoughts poured into my head. You are not beautiful. You are not special. Your life doesn't count. After years of reading the Truth, studying the Truth and even teaching the Truth, it was hard to believe I still struggled with these dark thoughts. I guess I shouldn't have expected the enemy to lie down and give up. He knows my weaknesses and all my buttons to push."


I have SO been in this place, and unfortunately I've been there alot. Sometimes I feel like the biggest hypocrite because I'll tell someone in my life who is struggling w/ thoughts like these that God loves them and God created them perfectly in His image and all that good stuff yet when I find myself in that place I can't listen to my own advice. I guess in most cases its beneficial to hear someone say they have experienced the same and share how they got through it. Which is why I LOVE this email I received because these thoughts are something I struggle with almost on a daily basis. I have always been a person that when I have these thoughts I seek out words of affirmation from other people. That will never fulfill me in these dark moments. Only God and His word is fulfilling to my spirit. I have been shoving my nose into my bible A LOT this year and I can't even begin to explain the impact it has on my thoughts and way I live out my life. I have never felt more fulfilled than I have in the past month or so. Its like no matter what the world throws down on me it won't break me and it won't consume me.

Another thing to keep in mind is trying to be aware of what triggers these negative thoughts. For me its rejection, feeling like a failure, and sometimes being alone for too long. But because if I become aware of these things then I can learn to head them off and turn to Jesus when I start feeling this way. What triggers your negative thoughts? Can you head them off?

I don't think I could share with you the closing statements any better than what this woman said so I'm just gonna copy and paste that awesomeness right now!!


"As lies poured in, I retrieved scriptures stored in my mind and heart. He sees me as beautiful. He says He is wild about me. He is more than enough for me. He is all I need.

Mulling over these precious chunks of God's Word, tears began to pour. This is what I needed. I didn't need more words of affirmation from my husband. I didn't need another pat on the back from a friend. I needed a new outpouring of love from my Love. I needed to be reminded of who He says I am, to give up the old lies and replace them with His Truths.

When we come into His presence, He fills us. The Lord changes us so that we are not the same as we were when we came to Him. Ezekiel 46:9 represents this exchange of old for new. The people of Israel were told when they came into the temple area to worship, they were to enter through one gate and exit through the opposite gate. So the same should be true with us; we are "not to go back as we came, but more holy, and heavenly, and spiritual" (Matthew Henry). As we enter into our special times with God, we need to come out the "opposite gate," different than the way we went in.

After an hour of running, crying and praying to God, I returned home a different woman. Now, I was ready. Ready to be the wife and mom I needed to be. Ready to be God's vessel to pour out. Being in the Lord's presence restored me. I had been filled and changed.

Dear Lord, I need You today. Living this life sometimes drains me and leaves me empty. As I come through Your gates and into Your presence, change me. Pour Your life and heart into me so that as I leave through the "opposite gate," I am not the same woman as when I came in. In Jesus' Name, Amen."

Great stuff, I hope that this could be a source of encouragement for anyone who reads this as it has clearly been for me. Funny thing is God totally knew I needed this after last night and he provided, so hopefully he's doing the same for you by filtering his message through my rambling blog :o)

Why I'm a Fool

I listened to a sermon by Andy Stanley today called "Musical Chairs". In it he talked about the three chairs as humans we have a tendency to sit in when we question Christianity or what the Bible says is right or wrong. These three chairs are the Naive, the Fools, and the Scoffers. When he spoke of the Naive he referred to teenagers and young adults who lack experience, talking about how they don't know what it feels like to be 30 and look back on all the moments they wish you could do differently. Then he talks about the Fools (which I'll dive into deeper in a bit) basically these people have an "I know whats right or wrong and I hear what you're saying, but i just don't care" attitude. Finally he talks about the Scoffers and how these people basically mock what the Bible says or the preacher says in the Sunday morning service. So there is the basic fundamentals of what he said, and naturally at the end he asks the people, "Now which chair are you sitting in at this moment in your life?" So i began to think, and think, and think....and like I felt like I knew but was like okay I wouldn't say that I'm a Scoffer in any regards, but I could see areas of my life when I am Naive, BUT by stands of the majority I am a Fool.

So many times in my life I am presented with decisions, just like everyone else, and I'm struck w/ the difficulty of "okay what should i choose? what is the right decision to make". Its tough without a doubt, but in this series Andy Stanly poses a question when we embark situations like this to ask ourselves, "What decision is best for me?" and i take that to mean he is saying what decision is best for me IN my life in Christ.

Okay so now that you have the overall posed question he presents to us, lets go back to me being a Fool(because I'm so excited for whoever reads this to know that I'm stupid lol). I can think of so many things that I have made decisions on in the past 2-3 months that i knew what was right and what was wrong, and i still chose the wrong. Why do I do that? Like where does the "you learn from past experiences" initiative come into play in my head during these moments? I can remember a particular instant when I literally picked up and set my phone down 15 times or more contemplating whether to respond to someone in a particular manner. And the whole time i KNEW the right decision, but i didn't go that way. No i chose the short lived satisfaction followed by extreme guilt, constant worrying, and just a spiral that led me into this mental breakdown where I began to hate me for that ONE decision. Something so easy, so simple that i could have just followed my better judgment and i didn't and now it has affected me and others around me. Andy Stanley says something else that just struck me so hardcore in his sermon. He said, "It is the companions of fools who suffer the most harm". I betrayed a friend, my best friend and now she wants nothing to do with me, and it is totally understandable from her standpoint. But she suffers from my decision...I had the opportunity to do what i knew was right but I chose not to follow that.

Andy Stanley also said "The only way for a Fool to change is to face the full consequences of their decisions." I just lost my best friend, that person that's been by my side for 6-7 years is gone, because of a decision i made. That is the consequence that I have to live with and if it will change me then I need to experience that, I want to experience that. Its going to be so hard because even now i just wanna pick up the phone and text her, tell her how sorry i am, ask her for forgiveness but i can't do that. I NEED to experience this hurt and this pain to gain the full understanding of my decision. So I praise God for the lesson I am about to learn.

But i think we should all ask ourselves from time to time, "What chair am I in at this moment?" And take that opportunity take that time to think about the bigger picture, remind ourselves that the ultimate lover, Jesus Christ is the man we should model our lives after, his ways should become our ways, i mean i hate to be cliche and a little corny here, but maybe we should resort back to the 90's when we were all running around w/ those wonderful multi-colored bracelets on our wrists and asks ourselves in every situation, "What Would Jesus Do?"

Sinners

So all the time in church we are reminded that we are born sinners attributed to the Fall of Man in Genesis. So does that mean we are designed to fail? That we will constantly throughout our lives have these innate desires to be immoral in our relationships with our friends and our significant others? have uncontrollable anger to where lash out at those we love or even complete strangers? feel like we are so completely alone and incomplete that the thoughts that consume our minds are how to leave this world as soon as possible?

I know this isn't the most pleasant thing to talk about, but i feel like in my life these things are ever present. Exhibit A: I'm watching Private Practice on the internet today, in that 2hr special a man cheated on his wife, a woman was cooking meth in her home that eventually blew up her house w/ her and her daughter in it, a mother came clean of a lie she had been living for 20+ years, a daughter lied to her parents as she dressed in less than clothes, skipped school to hang out with a boy alone in a house, and had a party at the house w/o her father knowing, friends fighting and punching each other, a husband telling his wife he wished she would die a painful death...and i'm sure there was more but GEEZ.

So then i start thinking about my personal life...lies and decieit, depression, i've gotten better with anger (i used to be really bad), immoral thoughts...and i call myself a Christian. Like i know the battle isn't over when you say "God I want to give my life to you..." but okay, this year i feel like i'm almost living a double life. My life when i'm totally poured into God w/ my bible study, church, readings in the mornings and afternoons, hanging out with some of my friends who are constant encouragement in my walk. But then there is this other side...this person who doesn't know who she is anymore, doesn't feel like she knows how to love except in those moments when she is poured into scripture or surrounded by other believers, the girl who succumbs to her depression and just wants to stay at home in her bed all day.

And i was talking to a friend today that i upset and she had every right to be upset (and like always i learned/realized something about myself). My drug is affection, to feel loved, to not feel a lone which totally ties back to my realization in one of my previous blogs (its not that people don't love me but that I don't love me.) BUT isn't that how so many of us feel? isn't that why as a teenager girls latch on to that first boy that gives them the time of day? why we hang on to friendships that are unhealthy for us? And i sit her and think how can i know/understand all these things and not change? how can i be so focused in a moment but so lost in the next? How can WE know these things and nothing changes?

Do we all feel like this at some point? I find it hard to believe that i'm the only one w/ all that goes on in the world. But how do we defeat it?

See the thing is I'm grateful for my double life in the sense that it means i've made progress...i wasn't going to bible study consistently a year ago, I wasn't diving my nose into the bible a year ago, or hanging out with the people i do now, I have two Christian friends that I've hung out with more this year than in the 4-5 years i've known them. So I am grateful for my progress no doubt about that, but how do i get rid of the other me? how can i get to where i am focused all the time? Maybe today is a just a bad day and i feel discouraged but I know i can't lead this double life forever. I know that there will come a day when i will remain focused....at all times.

So to go back to my questions in the first paragraph, "Does that mean we are designed to fail?". The answer is no, we are designed to fall, we stumble, and somtimes get completely knocked down wondering if we'll ever be able to peel our faces off the ground and then something happens, HE grabs us by the hand, gets our attention and slowly begins to pull us back onto our feet.

To gain spiritual growth, firstly, we need to know how sinful we are, how weak we are against sins, and the only remedy:

Romans 7:15-25 talks about this more specifically:

^14-16I can anticipate the response that is coming: "I know that all God's commands are spiritual, but I'm not. Isn't this also your experience?" Yes. I'm full of myself—after all, I've spent a long time in sin's prison. What I don't understand about myself is that I decide one way, but then I act another, doing things I absolutely despise. So if I can't be trusted to figure out what is best for myself and then do it, it becomes obvious that God's command is necessary.

^17-20But I need something more! For if I know the law but still can't keep it, and if the power of sin within me keeps sabotaging my best intentions, I obviously need help! I realize that I don't have what it takes. I can will it, but I can't do it. I decide to do good, but I don't really do it; I decide not to do bad, but then I do it anyway. My decisions, such as they are, don't result in actions. Something has gone wrong deep within me and gets the better of me every time.

^21-23It happens so regularly that it's predictable. The moment I decide to do good, sin is there to trip me up. I truly delight in God's commands, but it's pretty obvious that not all of me joins in that delight. Parts of me covertly rebel, and just when I least expect it, they take charge.

²⁴I've tried everything and nothing helps. I'm at the end of my rope. Is there no one who can do anything for me? Isn't that the real question?

²⁵The answer, thank God, is that Jesus Christ can and does. He acted to set things right in this life of contradictions where I want to serve God with all my heart and mind, but am pulled by the influence of sin to do something totally different.

(The Message)

This is gonna be a weak sauce note in terms of my take on this song, ( i should be studying...) But i was listening to Slacker Radio w/ one of the stations i created and this song by Story Side B came on... its called "Be still"...I think we all need reminders like this when we feel a lone, i know i do big time, in those moments when i feel like the world is crashing down, the moments when i just wanna run the other direction when i know i should be running straight to God... Just wanted to share this with everyone!

I remember all the times
the good times and the bad
(some good and some are bad)
I'm still holding on to you
some days I wanna run
and times I come undone
but I still belong to you
thats how I know that


when I feel like caving in
my heart my soul is wearing thin
I just want to give up
nothing seems at all to add up
can you hear me Lord?
my face is down upon the floor
its then you whisper in my ear
be still and know I'm here
I see a side of you my friend
the same struggles that I have
my heart goes out to you
I know its hard to feel alone
and this world's so unforgiving
I've been feeling that way too
but I can tell you

Is that you?
Is this me
It's sometimes hard to believe that
I am not alone

its not just you
and not just me
we all need to believe that
we are not alone.

Not Shaken

Phil Stacey - You're Not Shaken
From the album Into The Light

I am sinking in the river that is raging
I am drowning
Will I ever, rise to breathe again
I wanna know why
I just wanna understand
Will I ever know why?
How could this be from Your hand?

/Chorus/
When every little thing that I have dreamed would be just slips away like water through my hands
And when it seems the walls of my beliefs are crashing down like they’re all made of sand
I won’t, let go of You now
because I know, oh, You’re not shaken

I am trembling in the darkness of my own fear
All the questions with no answers
So grip me while I’m here
And I may never know why
Oh I may not understand
But I will lift up my eyes,
and trust this is Your plan

/Chorus/

When I am in the valley
of the shadow of death

You’re not shaken
You’re not shaken

You're right here beside me and
You have never left

You're not shaken
You're not shaken

/Chorus/

My life, like so many others feels like it is a battle everyday. My battle is internal. Like i've said previously i have struggled w/ depression and still do if i really wanted to be honest. Its hard to admit that, its embarassing, its heart-breaking and its like all i can ever ask myself is how did i get from point "A" to where i am now? But then i step back, and try to funnel things into perspective and its like, if i were the one who had a friend that struggled w/ what i do, i would tell them that it is not something to be embarassed of, i would tell them that they are a fighter and that i'd rather them be fighting than give up. The fact is i am not the only person who struggles with this, and unfortunately i won't be the last. But i will overcome it.

The hardest thing about depression is feeling like you are in bondage to your emotions. They have this ability to consume your every thought and everything you feel even if it is just numbness. Whats the next hardest thing? Trying to pretend like everything is fine... I am the first born, I'm the daughter that got straight A's in school (until sophomore year when Biology served me my first "B"...oh how i dislike those "-ology" classes), played sports, was a homebody bc i loved my family so much, never got into trouble and eventually in my junior and senior years of high school became an avid church goer, youth attendee and eventually baptized as i gave my life to Christ the summer before my freshman year of college.

So what happened? I was a coward to failure, to letting people down and not being this "perfect" person people thought of me to be. I was also a "fixer" i wanted to fix everyone's problems and save everyone. I guess it all started a little in high school in a relationship i had, then it snowballed during my years as a collegiate athlete and ultimately my Senior year of college with a back injury, family stress, and other self inflicted stresses and displeasures w/ myself, to which i was clinically diagnosed with depression. i had gone from this happy young woman w/ dreams that couldn't fit in the room i am sitting in typing this, to a young woman ready to just say peace out world, i can't do this anymore. Its bad when i get to that point. And its hard for me to share these things because i know a few of my family members read this, but if just one person stumbles across this blog one day and they read this and they happen to be struggling w/ the same thing and they feel like they can relate or what i say in the rest of this helps them, then it was well worth it.

Right now my life is hectic, totally different from the lifestyle i have lived in previous years. I went from a girl who had never worked a day in her life to one that has multiple jobs while still a full time student. I went from being a part of a team of a social network that i spent what felt like every waking hour of everyday with, to someone who feels alone for a better portion of her week. Not to mention how hard the economy has struck my family back in Texas. Its been hard...super hard.

however the hardest thing that i have realized happened in the last few days. I struggle deeply with self worth which is a huge source to my depression, and in the last couple of days i have realized that its not that people don't love me, its that i don't love me. That was the hardest thing to realize and come to terms with, BUT the thing that i have grasped from this realization is that there is someone that loves me infinitely much.

In Jeremiah 31:3 God says "...I have loved you with an everlasting love..." It is SO HARD for someone who struggles with self worth to actually believe that there is someone out there that could love you infinitely much. But He does...does my mind fully comprehend that? not really...but does my heart leap out and latch onto that? Absolutely. To feel God's love in the midst of the darkness of depression is such an amazing thing. I don't know how to explain the feeling of warmth that i feel when while depressed i can shove my nose in a bible or a christian based book and it brings me back, it brings me into the light, its my time with God, nurturing that relationship and allowing Him to be there for me, allowing Him to pull me out.

A verse i found tonight has become my next memorization verse, because i want this verse to be the cry of my heart to the voices in my head.

Lamentations 3:22-23 says, "Because of the LORD's great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail. They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness."

God will not allow for me to be consumed with the darkness He is the light and the way and He will never fail me. This will be a constant reminder to me.

He is not shaken, and He will never leave me.

So i am like a big big art person...just love it...like i appreciate all the older more classical forms of art, but my passion is in more contemporary forms such as grafitti, collage, mixed media, graphic design...that kind of stuff. So periodically I think i'll just post sweet things i find on my trusty friend mr. google.

Anyway just treats for the eyes in case reading what i have to say could get old!! enjoy!

Come on and lay 'em down!

so i'm like a huge music person...for me i can pinpoint a certain time, event, aspect of my life by tying it to the song that was there to get me through it! So lately its been quite the variety however the most recent one that I am just loving ties to my previous post. Its called "Lay 'em down" by NeedToBreathe, they kinda have this southern touch to their music which i love!! But the concept of the song is laying down your burdens...

Come down to the river
Come and let yourself in
Make good on a promise
To never hurt again
If you're lost and lonely
You're Broken down
Bring all of your troubles
Come lay 'em down

All you sinners
And the weak at heart
All you helpless
On the boulevards
Wherever you are now
Whatever evil you've found
Bring all of your troubles
And come lay 'em down

We're all tied to the same old failing
Finding shelter in things we know
We're all dirty like corrupted small towns
We'll bring our troubles
We'll bring our troubles
Lay 'em down

All you rich men
And the high above
All of those with and without love
All you burdened broken down
Bring all of your troubles
Come lay 'em down

Come lay 'em down

Come all you broken [Come lay 'em down]
Come all you helpless [Come lay 'em down]
Bring all your burden [Come lay 'em down]
And just lay 'em down [Come lay 'em down]

Come all you broken [Come lay 'em down]
Come all you helpless [Come lay 'em down]
Bring all your troubles [Come lay 'em down]
Just lay 'em down

its a fun lil tune and you should definitely check it out....but back on track here, it talks about laying your burdens down with Christ. I love the way it alludes to baptism in this song in the first few lines. The act of baptism is historically known as being "dunked" so to say in a river, now-a-days its a jacuzzi or something like that, but thats besides the point, that is just the act of being baptized.

to be baptized involves so much more, first and foremost it involves a recognition. the recognition that you are a sinner and only through Christ can you gain the fulfillment of God's promises. okay so step one, check....step two is to make a commitment to Christ...what does this mean exactly? it means saying that you want to focus on Christ, do away with your sinful nature and control the things you can control in order to live a life more like Christ...k step three is to ask God to enter your heart and just do work! you are letting down all the walls you've had up for so long and now just saying "come on down big guy, lets get this thing started!"...step 4, is the act, the physical form of being baptized, find a brother or sister in Christ, a river (or hot tub, your choice) and make it happen... the final step is to LIVE IT OUT...don't just talk the talk...you gotta walk that walk, live out those promises and commitments you made to God in the first three steps.

k so that was a little off-topic from where i had originally planned to go with this thing BUT oh well still relevant i hope? But in a sense i feel like once you have done this, mad a commitment to Christ, it is easier for you to begin to wrap your mind around the fact that God loves you infinitely much. His love is so unconditional and forever long, you just need to lay your burdens down with him.

I know during these economic times there are SO many people struggling, i'm seeing it first hand with my family, I can't imagine how tough these times are for everyone. But what can you do about that? i have had the pleasure of being in the presence of some AMAZING christians this year, people that are just awesome role models and inspirations to me. The thing that they do is have faith. Simple right? sounds simple enough but we all know how hard it is, but when you have a relationship with Christ and you take the time to nourish that relationship on a daily basis, having faith is just that simple. If the way my life is exactly at this moment (lots of junkage i'll spare you from hearing about) was happening a year ago, and someone told me "just have faith God will provide." that would last for maybe 4 days. My relationship with Christ was very minimal a year ago, in terms of trusting in God. That being said, i still have moments that i wonder if he'll be able to do it...BUT he always finds a way of reminding me of his faithfulness.

God is faithful in his promises, and if he promises to love us unconditionally and take on our burdens so that we don't have to carry them anymore i'm handing them over...i'm gonna lay 'em down.

1Peter 5:7

"cast all your anxiety on him, because he cares for you"- 1Peter 5:7

so i dunno if that's exactly what it says because my dad texted me this verse tonight (yeah my dad's big time texting on his cellular device these days). but i needed to hear that so bad. I've just been struggling with soooo much stress lately. with school always there, working multiple jobs, and being a natural/professional worrier with all kinds of stuff going on around me its been a little tough. and i won't lie i get super low...ALOT...but there is always that one constant thing that finds a way to bring me back...God is always there, ALWAYS...i could be running as fast as i think i possibly could go in the opposite direction and he's already there waiting on me telling me to start running back home. its awesome and crazy at the same time.

see i've suffered from depression and often times question if i'm relapsing. i have constant family stresses and financial issues, drama out the wahzoo. not even kidding cw should call me up and write a story on me and some of my friend's lives, it would make the next best teen/young adult drama. but i mean, lets get real i'm not the only one going through the things i go through. sometimes its hard to step back and realize that too. its like you get so wrapped up in your life, that you don't stop to think about other people who are experiencing the same stuff, if not worse.

but i'm kinda getting off topic which is something i could go pro at, so i'm gonna try and bring it back now...

"cast all your anxiety on him, because he cares for you"...that is just a powerful phrase and thought to embrace. i struggle with believing that people could possibly care about me, i have issues with self worth, so to hear/read something like this at first is just kinda like...um ok sure whatever? but when i just take the time to really go beyond what my inner "demons" tell me, its really like WOW, like this God guy cares about me....like for real? it takes work for me to get to this point but when i do its...overwhelming and to an extent still beyond my comprehension. but it is so reassuring, so alleviating to know that he wants to take my burdens and anxieties and carry them for me, all because he cares....I have a bunch of friends that love me and care for me and get more than an earful of how i'm struggling, and God bless them they are amazing people and always there for me, but they're only human and can only take so much of that...it comes to a point where if all you do is tell your friends your problems and in a sense lay your burdens down with them, it could start to diminish the friendship that is there. But your relationship with Christ could never be diminished, because his love is completely unconditional. crazy huh? i know im still trying to wrap my head around it...but i believe in the truth of that verse and wanted to share it.

so that's how God brought me back today :o)