Not Shaken

Phil Stacey - You're Not Shaken
From the album Into The Light

I am sinking in the river that is raging
I am drowning
Will I ever, rise to breathe again
I wanna know why
I just wanna understand
Will I ever know why?
How could this be from Your hand?

/Chorus/
When every little thing that I have dreamed would be just slips away like water through my hands
And when it seems the walls of my beliefs are crashing down like they’re all made of sand
I won’t, let go of You now
because I know, oh, You’re not shaken

I am trembling in the darkness of my own fear
All the questions with no answers
So grip me while I’m here
And I may never know why
Oh I may not understand
But I will lift up my eyes,
and trust this is Your plan

/Chorus/

When I am in the valley
of the shadow of death

You’re not shaken
You’re not shaken

You're right here beside me and
You have never left

You're not shaken
You're not shaken

/Chorus/

My life, like so many others feels like it is a battle everyday. My battle is internal. Like i've said previously i have struggled w/ depression and still do if i really wanted to be honest. Its hard to admit that, its embarassing, its heart-breaking and its like all i can ever ask myself is how did i get from point "A" to where i am now? But then i step back, and try to funnel things into perspective and its like, if i were the one who had a friend that struggled w/ what i do, i would tell them that it is not something to be embarassed of, i would tell them that they are a fighter and that i'd rather them be fighting than give up. The fact is i am not the only person who struggles with this, and unfortunately i won't be the last. But i will overcome it.

The hardest thing about depression is feeling like you are in bondage to your emotions. They have this ability to consume your every thought and everything you feel even if it is just numbness. Whats the next hardest thing? Trying to pretend like everything is fine... I am the first born, I'm the daughter that got straight A's in school (until sophomore year when Biology served me my first "B"...oh how i dislike those "-ology" classes), played sports, was a homebody bc i loved my family so much, never got into trouble and eventually in my junior and senior years of high school became an avid church goer, youth attendee and eventually baptized as i gave my life to Christ the summer before my freshman year of college.

So what happened? I was a coward to failure, to letting people down and not being this "perfect" person people thought of me to be. I was also a "fixer" i wanted to fix everyone's problems and save everyone. I guess it all started a little in high school in a relationship i had, then it snowballed during my years as a collegiate athlete and ultimately my Senior year of college with a back injury, family stress, and other self inflicted stresses and displeasures w/ myself, to which i was clinically diagnosed with depression. i had gone from this happy young woman w/ dreams that couldn't fit in the room i am sitting in typing this, to a young woman ready to just say peace out world, i can't do this anymore. Its bad when i get to that point. And its hard for me to share these things because i know a few of my family members read this, but if just one person stumbles across this blog one day and they read this and they happen to be struggling w/ the same thing and they feel like they can relate or what i say in the rest of this helps them, then it was well worth it.

Right now my life is hectic, totally different from the lifestyle i have lived in previous years. I went from a girl who had never worked a day in her life to one that has multiple jobs while still a full time student. I went from being a part of a team of a social network that i spent what felt like every waking hour of everyday with, to someone who feels alone for a better portion of her week. Not to mention how hard the economy has struck my family back in Texas. Its been hard...super hard.

however the hardest thing that i have realized happened in the last few days. I struggle deeply with self worth which is a huge source to my depression, and in the last couple of days i have realized that its not that people don't love me, its that i don't love me. That was the hardest thing to realize and come to terms with, BUT the thing that i have grasped from this realization is that there is someone that loves me infinitely much.

In Jeremiah 31:3 God says "...I have loved you with an everlasting love..." It is SO HARD for someone who struggles with self worth to actually believe that there is someone out there that could love you infinitely much. But He does...does my mind fully comprehend that? not really...but does my heart leap out and latch onto that? Absolutely. To feel God's love in the midst of the darkness of depression is such an amazing thing. I don't know how to explain the feeling of warmth that i feel when while depressed i can shove my nose in a bible or a christian based book and it brings me back, it brings me into the light, its my time with God, nurturing that relationship and allowing Him to be there for me, allowing Him to pull me out.

A verse i found tonight has become my next memorization verse, because i want this verse to be the cry of my heart to the voices in my head.

Lamentations 3:22-23 says, "Because of the LORD's great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail. They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness."

God will not allow for me to be consumed with the darkness He is the light and the way and He will never fail me. This will be a constant reminder to me.

He is not shaken, and He will never leave me.