Not Shaken

Phil Stacey - You're Not Shaken
From the album Into The Light

I am sinking in the river that is raging
I am drowning
Will I ever, rise to breathe again
I wanna know why
I just wanna understand
Will I ever know why?
How could this be from Your hand?

/Chorus/
When every little thing that I have dreamed would be just slips away like water through my hands
And when it seems the walls of my beliefs are crashing down like they’re all made of sand
I won’t, let go of You now
because I know, oh, You’re not shaken

I am trembling in the darkness of my own fear
All the questions with no answers
So grip me while I’m here
And I may never know why
Oh I may not understand
But I will lift up my eyes,
and trust this is Your plan

/Chorus/

When I am in the valley
of the shadow of death

You’re not shaken
You’re not shaken

You're right here beside me and
You have never left

You're not shaken
You're not shaken

/Chorus/

My life, like so many others feels like it is a battle everyday. My battle is internal. Like i've said previously i have struggled w/ depression and still do if i really wanted to be honest. Its hard to admit that, its embarassing, its heart-breaking and its like all i can ever ask myself is how did i get from point "A" to where i am now? But then i step back, and try to funnel things into perspective and its like, if i were the one who had a friend that struggled w/ what i do, i would tell them that it is not something to be embarassed of, i would tell them that they are a fighter and that i'd rather them be fighting than give up. The fact is i am not the only person who struggles with this, and unfortunately i won't be the last. But i will overcome it.

The hardest thing about depression is feeling like you are in bondage to your emotions. They have this ability to consume your every thought and everything you feel even if it is just numbness. Whats the next hardest thing? Trying to pretend like everything is fine... I am the first born, I'm the daughter that got straight A's in school (until sophomore year when Biology served me my first "B"...oh how i dislike those "-ology" classes), played sports, was a homebody bc i loved my family so much, never got into trouble and eventually in my junior and senior years of high school became an avid church goer, youth attendee and eventually baptized as i gave my life to Christ the summer before my freshman year of college.

So what happened? I was a coward to failure, to letting people down and not being this "perfect" person people thought of me to be. I was also a "fixer" i wanted to fix everyone's problems and save everyone. I guess it all started a little in high school in a relationship i had, then it snowballed during my years as a collegiate athlete and ultimately my Senior year of college with a back injury, family stress, and other self inflicted stresses and displeasures w/ myself, to which i was clinically diagnosed with depression. i had gone from this happy young woman w/ dreams that couldn't fit in the room i am sitting in typing this, to a young woman ready to just say peace out world, i can't do this anymore. Its bad when i get to that point. And its hard for me to share these things because i know a few of my family members read this, but if just one person stumbles across this blog one day and they read this and they happen to be struggling w/ the same thing and they feel like they can relate or what i say in the rest of this helps them, then it was well worth it.

Right now my life is hectic, totally different from the lifestyle i have lived in previous years. I went from a girl who had never worked a day in her life to one that has multiple jobs while still a full time student. I went from being a part of a team of a social network that i spent what felt like every waking hour of everyday with, to someone who feels alone for a better portion of her week. Not to mention how hard the economy has struck my family back in Texas. Its been hard...super hard.

however the hardest thing that i have realized happened in the last few days. I struggle deeply with self worth which is a huge source to my depression, and in the last couple of days i have realized that its not that people don't love me, its that i don't love me. That was the hardest thing to realize and come to terms with, BUT the thing that i have grasped from this realization is that there is someone that loves me infinitely much.

In Jeremiah 31:3 God says "...I have loved you with an everlasting love..." It is SO HARD for someone who struggles with self worth to actually believe that there is someone out there that could love you infinitely much. But He does...does my mind fully comprehend that? not really...but does my heart leap out and latch onto that? Absolutely. To feel God's love in the midst of the darkness of depression is such an amazing thing. I don't know how to explain the feeling of warmth that i feel when while depressed i can shove my nose in a bible or a christian based book and it brings me back, it brings me into the light, its my time with God, nurturing that relationship and allowing Him to be there for me, allowing Him to pull me out.

A verse i found tonight has become my next memorization verse, because i want this verse to be the cry of my heart to the voices in my head.

Lamentations 3:22-23 says, "Because of the LORD's great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail. They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness."

God will not allow for me to be consumed with the darkness He is the light and the way and He will never fail me. This will be a constant reminder to me.

He is not shaken, and He will never leave me.

So i am like a big big art person...just love it...like i appreciate all the older more classical forms of art, but my passion is in more contemporary forms such as grafitti, collage, mixed media, graphic design...that kind of stuff. So periodically I think i'll just post sweet things i find on my trusty friend mr. google.

Anyway just treats for the eyes in case reading what i have to say could get old!! enjoy!

Come on and lay 'em down!

so i'm like a huge music person...for me i can pinpoint a certain time, event, aspect of my life by tying it to the song that was there to get me through it! So lately its been quite the variety however the most recent one that I am just loving ties to my previous post. Its called "Lay 'em down" by NeedToBreathe, they kinda have this southern touch to their music which i love!! But the concept of the song is laying down your burdens...

Come down to the river
Come and let yourself in
Make good on a promise
To never hurt again
If you're lost and lonely
You're Broken down
Bring all of your troubles
Come lay 'em down

All you sinners
And the weak at heart
All you helpless
On the boulevards
Wherever you are now
Whatever evil you've found
Bring all of your troubles
And come lay 'em down

We're all tied to the same old failing
Finding shelter in things we know
We're all dirty like corrupted small towns
We'll bring our troubles
We'll bring our troubles
Lay 'em down

All you rich men
And the high above
All of those with and without love
All you burdened broken down
Bring all of your troubles
Come lay 'em down

Come lay 'em down

Come all you broken [Come lay 'em down]
Come all you helpless [Come lay 'em down]
Bring all your burden [Come lay 'em down]
And just lay 'em down [Come lay 'em down]

Come all you broken [Come lay 'em down]
Come all you helpless [Come lay 'em down]
Bring all your troubles [Come lay 'em down]
Just lay 'em down

its a fun lil tune and you should definitely check it out....but back on track here, it talks about laying your burdens down with Christ. I love the way it alludes to baptism in this song in the first few lines. The act of baptism is historically known as being "dunked" so to say in a river, now-a-days its a jacuzzi or something like that, but thats besides the point, that is just the act of being baptized.

to be baptized involves so much more, first and foremost it involves a recognition. the recognition that you are a sinner and only through Christ can you gain the fulfillment of God's promises. okay so step one, check....step two is to make a commitment to Christ...what does this mean exactly? it means saying that you want to focus on Christ, do away with your sinful nature and control the things you can control in order to live a life more like Christ...k step three is to ask God to enter your heart and just do work! you are letting down all the walls you've had up for so long and now just saying "come on down big guy, lets get this thing started!"...step 4, is the act, the physical form of being baptized, find a brother or sister in Christ, a river (or hot tub, your choice) and make it happen... the final step is to LIVE IT OUT...don't just talk the talk...you gotta walk that walk, live out those promises and commitments you made to God in the first three steps.

k so that was a little off-topic from where i had originally planned to go with this thing BUT oh well still relevant i hope? But in a sense i feel like once you have done this, mad a commitment to Christ, it is easier for you to begin to wrap your mind around the fact that God loves you infinitely much. His love is so unconditional and forever long, you just need to lay your burdens down with him.

I know during these economic times there are SO many people struggling, i'm seeing it first hand with my family, I can't imagine how tough these times are for everyone. But what can you do about that? i have had the pleasure of being in the presence of some AMAZING christians this year, people that are just awesome role models and inspirations to me. The thing that they do is have faith. Simple right? sounds simple enough but we all know how hard it is, but when you have a relationship with Christ and you take the time to nourish that relationship on a daily basis, having faith is just that simple. If the way my life is exactly at this moment (lots of junkage i'll spare you from hearing about) was happening a year ago, and someone told me "just have faith God will provide." that would last for maybe 4 days. My relationship with Christ was very minimal a year ago, in terms of trusting in God. That being said, i still have moments that i wonder if he'll be able to do it...BUT he always finds a way of reminding me of his faithfulness.

God is faithful in his promises, and if he promises to love us unconditionally and take on our burdens so that we don't have to carry them anymore i'm handing them over...i'm gonna lay 'em down.

1Peter 5:7

"cast all your anxiety on him, because he cares for you"- 1Peter 5:7

so i dunno if that's exactly what it says because my dad texted me this verse tonight (yeah my dad's big time texting on his cellular device these days). but i needed to hear that so bad. I've just been struggling with soooo much stress lately. with school always there, working multiple jobs, and being a natural/professional worrier with all kinds of stuff going on around me its been a little tough. and i won't lie i get super low...ALOT...but there is always that one constant thing that finds a way to bring me back...God is always there, ALWAYS...i could be running as fast as i think i possibly could go in the opposite direction and he's already there waiting on me telling me to start running back home. its awesome and crazy at the same time.

see i've suffered from depression and often times question if i'm relapsing. i have constant family stresses and financial issues, drama out the wahzoo. not even kidding cw should call me up and write a story on me and some of my friend's lives, it would make the next best teen/young adult drama. but i mean, lets get real i'm not the only one going through the things i go through. sometimes its hard to step back and realize that too. its like you get so wrapped up in your life, that you don't stop to think about other people who are experiencing the same stuff, if not worse.

but i'm kinda getting off topic which is something i could go pro at, so i'm gonna try and bring it back now...

"cast all your anxiety on him, because he cares for you"...that is just a powerful phrase and thought to embrace. i struggle with believing that people could possibly care about me, i have issues with self worth, so to hear/read something like this at first is just kinda like...um ok sure whatever? but when i just take the time to really go beyond what my inner "demons" tell me, its really like WOW, like this God guy cares about me....like for real? it takes work for me to get to this point but when i do its...overwhelming and to an extent still beyond my comprehension. but it is so reassuring, so alleviating to know that he wants to take my burdens and anxieties and carry them for me, all because he cares....I have a bunch of friends that love me and care for me and get more than an earful of how i'm struggling, and God bless them they are amazing people and always there for me, but they're only human and can only take so much of that...it comes to a point where if all you do is tell your friends your problems and in a sense lay your burdens down with them, it could start to diminish the friendship that is there. But your relationship with Christ could never be diminished, because his love is completely unconditional. crazy huh? i know im still trying to wrap my head around it...but i believe in the truth of that verse and wanted to share it.

so that's how God brought me back today :o)